12th Garibi Hatao Plan: “Budda has Rocked, Ma’am”!

For 11 grand Five Year Plans and sundry annual plans, the Planning Commission and GOI has been desperately struggling to hatao garibi. I mean, completely eradicate poverty and declare India fully free from this festering fistula.

So far, they have failed. Somehow these pathetic poor never seem to go away. Just like festering fistulas freely fostering in all those forbidden firths and friths – they are still very much there as an unbearable pain in the back, making matters massively majorly miserable.

Now, this 12th time, however, these mandarins have found an absolutely brilliant ploy: Just fix the poverty plimsoll at a level just below the average annual pay of the poorest person in the Indian population. And, whoosh, vanish – hat gaya garibi – I mean, poverty? Where, when, in India?

“Me shave?” Montek can now safely retort in case you asked by mistake like that hapless girl in that old ad.

More importantly, now that Mission “Garibi Hato” has been accomplished Cruising along as per plan, I mean 12th “Garibi Hatao” Plan, he can also call Sultana Sonia with great pride and whisper the long-pined- for dhamaka: “Budda has rocked, Ma’am” in his usual US accent, although I don’t know for how long he has now been on a permanent stint in India.

Tough job, managing Plans and this absolutely historic one at that, and also an American accent while perpetually spending time in India. Multi-tasking, Magician, Mission-mode, Big Mac Montek, one must greatly appreciate this Mahatma.

Just like true magicians who never ever do any real magic, only create illusions with the help of various scientific tools, principles and gadgets,  Mandrake Montek has used the simple tools of carefully-done surveys, census, what have you, and arrived at these exact figures: if a person’s annual income is less than Rs 9,490 in rural areas and Rs 11,680 in urban areas, then bad luck, you are not poor.

Actually, all that careful pre-mission homework surveys have told him that not a single soul in India earns less than those figures in those respective areas.

Living even in these conditions requires more than Rs 3,000 per head per month. Paying local party dadas, police and whoever else has more muscle, to retain that footpath space, costs at least Rs 1,000 a month. And as we can see they are existing, so they must be earning more than Mandrake Montek's declared poverty line. They can't call themselves poor any more. Bad luck!

Now the GOI will tell the poor, nothing doing boss, you can’t get any government doles, because we have at last successfully hatoed you. I mean, Big Mac Montek has completely eradicated the malaria-like malignancy that you guys represent because we have now completely written you off  from our books just as we do with absolutely rotten debt. All of you earn more than this poverty line that we have declared and we have washed our hands of this whole poverty business for ever. We have closed shop. Period.

For you poor, that is.

For Babus and a few others, you know them well yaar, it will now be more fun and frolic.

You see, anti-poverty programs will go on because we will again cook our books. We will show that just as the  level of bad debts in the banking system has almost come down to zero (RBI, pp.132), [what a joke?], but it is still there thoda bahut, little bit, you know, “sticky loans” and all that, these NPAs and poverty are like that only, you know.

We keep writing them off our books but they resolutely remain in a rather red roaring resiliently ropy way. And, ek dum, total sink yaar. . The more money you try to spend on recovery, the more goes down the drain – like bad debts, poverty is also like that only, I am telling you. The more you spend on the poor thinking they will recover from this poverty illness, the more seem to fall ill. Very “sticky” issue. That’s what I am try to telling you na?

So, Montek Mama has arranged this Big Mac for us. All that anti-poverty “flagship’ notes will now come entirely to our jebs, I mean, pockets, you know. You will get nothing. This time “Mission Garibi Hatao” is fully successful and you have been wiped out of the picture entirely.

But allocations will go on as we have to still bring down that pestilential penury. The more we try to push all above the poverty line , no, no, oh! sorry, why do I keep saying all the wrong things?..The more we try to pull the poverty line below all, the more all these human rights-wallahs and even the World Bank, can you imagine? .. still keep saying nearly 50% of the Indians are poor – keya musibat hay, what a bother! On top of that, we have to meet Millenium Development Goals, no?

You know, to eradicate acute destitution we have to make sure people earn at least $1 a day? And that is only to meet the the first goal. To meet the other seven goals, we have to make sure that they earn at least $2 a day?

Arre, pagal hay keya? Mad? One US a day means Rs 17,520 of the crispest at today’s rates? Mad, yaar! Humne bola, we have declared, mind you maan, Big Mac US-returned Montek, has declared, that even if you earn even one rupee more than Rs 9,490 a year, you cannot be poor. Ab mantei nehi ho, huh? You just won’t accept, eh?

And you are talking about double that value! You know what 2 US means? Four times, Rs 35,040 a year – arre, what do you want yaar?

You want Big Mac to declare the truth that actually almost every one, or a large majority of Indians earn less than that except, of course, we Babus and our political and corporate bosses chhod ke?

Marwaoge keya? Harakiri, huh, harakari? You want us to commit suicide?

See, brother, you better fall in line. Or else, we will have to go to the Supreme Court and get this damned poverty line passed finally as law.

Then, if you don’t agree that you are not poor as per this legally declared line, we will make sure that you go to The Trial as per law. You understand kanooni karbai?  Court, advocates, judge, clerks, policemen?

What do you think you will do? You can at least talk to me. I can still speak little bit little bit your language, may to thoda bahut Bharat ki bhasha bol leta hu, lekin, what will you do there? They will speak in the language of India, English, English? You understand, buddhu kahika? What will you say there?

You know what will happen then? They will never let you  know what offence you committed, but I can tell you my friend, they will execute you.

Now, abhi keya hay, what is there, huh? You don’t exist only on paper, na? Nothing more than that. But if we send you to The Trial, bas khallaas, game over, samjhe? Understood? Then you will not exist at all. Not just on paper but even on this planet. It’s your choice, think about it.

Just use your head yaar, as I say under my breath, “arre keya bakta hu, aakal rahne se to”, anyway, try to understand, you are wasting my time my friend.  All this is part of the big business of  ”The Economics and Politics of Delusion”.

Understand? What will you poor guys understand anyway? See, how much of my time you have wasted, still you haven’t understood a thing! What a waste? What a waste?

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